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Some say, “we win some, we lose some.” Some losses aren’t just that simple. Have you ever lost someone dear to your heart? When you thought they would be here forever? You wish you could have one more chance with them. Losing my mother is one of the most devastating things that had happened to me.  It happened, and I somehow, I find the strength to go on.  My days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months, and before I know it here I am 20 years later, wondering how I have made it this far without her physically being in my life.  I’d like to think that when someone we love dies their body goes but their love remains.  They live on through us.  Through the things they left behind and the memories they have made.

I always miss my mom but there are moments in life when I miss her a little more than usual. I miss her when there’s a fight between family members and she used to be the peace maker. I miss her when I see my friends or strangers with their mothers. I miss her when something great happens and she is the first person I want to call.  I miss her when I’ve had a bad day and her embrace is the only one that can save meI miss her whenever I go back home to see my family. I miss her whenever I see my niece because she looks exactly like her. I miss her, every year, every month, every week, every day, every hour, every second.

After becoming a fitness enthusiast, she became my drive. When I know the next weight I’m going to lift is going to be heavy I close my eyes and think of her and say give me strength. Especially when I do heavy squats, I go down and feel a little pinch on my back, sometimes too much and hard to come back up, I feel my legs shaking, then I close my eyes for 15-30 seconds. In that moment my life flashes before my eyes. I feel her presence, I hear her whisper in my ears “I am here, get up, lift.” Then I feel this energy through by bones, I lift that heavy weight as tears come down on my chicks of happiness. Then I look at myself in the mirror and smile.

A year ago, I was back home visiting my family, my brother, my niece, my uncle etc. during my visit I found out that my brother and my uncle hasn’t spoken to each other for whatever reason for almost 3 years. I tried to make peace between them, but I couldn’t so I left the country disappointed. I promised myself that I would go see them and spend every September with them. You may ask, why September? That’s the day we lost my mom, 20 years ago on the night of Ethiopian New year. So today (09/08/2018) at 2:00 pm I called my brother and said,

Me: “listen to me, I don’t want you to say anything but just listen to what I have to say, (Be Etalem sim yezehalew) I beg you in her name, please make peace with him..”

Brother: “Wondem I text Geremew (our uncle), I asked him and his family for forgiveness and I wished him happy new year just an hour before you called.”

The first person that came to my mind was my mom, then he continued “I did it because of her, I didn’t want her to be disappointed with me anymore.”

Then he sent me a screen shot of their conversation.

My uncle: “if you truly feel this way, if it came from your heart then come to my house and bring your wife on the day of new year and let us start the New Year together as a family. We forgive you and we want you here.

Brother: “I will see you on Tuesday (New years day)”

What a win for me!!! Even though I can’t be there to witness the peace making process, there is one thing I know for sure, I am going to enjoy the upcoming New year (September 11) without feeling depressed, feeling alone or like I have a huge weight on my shoulder. I will be thinking of them as they celebrate the new year as one loving family.

So, if you have lost someone that you love so dearly and care for, remember how much they loved you, remember that they never wanted to leave you and there is nothing in this world that they wouldn’t have done to be able to see you live out your life. Go that extra step to make to make them proud, live the life they wanted you to live, be the person they wanted you to be.  Most importantly do something to honor their name and remember what they have given you and that is unconditional love. Instead of crying and complaining, I will be going to the gym and celebrate her life as I lift those weights of off my shoulder and she would be my back bone through it all. May her soul live in paradise!

 

 

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